Free Union Mayoral candidate Mark Neisser Runs for Non-Existent Office
Running on a platform of : FREE BEER (Root Beer), FREE GAS (Baked Beans) and FREE INTERNET (AOL Disks), Mr. Neisser attempted to buy the votes of the Free Union locals, during the 2006 Free Union Parade. It was a pitiful display of self promotion and arrogance that was only rivaled by the fact that Mr. Neisser forced his innocent twin sister, who was visiting from New England to ride in his dangerously unstable float and promote his "campaign"!!! Mr. Neisser's wife was not seen anywhere, adding fuel to the fire that Neisser was not being supported by his own wife!
Because of the dangers of today's streets and Mr. Neisser's street smarts he was accompanied by a crack team of insecurity guards. The only one available on the holiday weekend was brother in law Joe Berman who, although blind and walking with a cane, was able to squelch several attempts on Mr. Neisser's life during the 10 minute parade.
Mr. Neisser crushed the only other candidate; who ran on a platform of peace and prosperity, but caused untold damage to children's teeth by tossing razor sharp candy to the crowd; and several directly at the eyes of Mr. Neisser.
FINAL VOTE TOTALS:
MARK NEISSER: 1
OTHER CANDIDATE: 2603
Total population of Free Union: 735